Gardens You Might Miss on the Spring Tour – II
While we enjoy visiting the gardens of friends, and may
go on organized tours, you must realize that you are missing out on
the wonders that that approach may skip. Continuing your education
on the surprising varieties of design, we start Part II with:
The Politician's Garden
An Open House! Come and enjoy the chicken and hot dogs
on the grill. Beer and soft drinks in the coolers! And flowers all
around. She even remembers your name. And your children's names.
And the fact that you put in a hosta bed last year. How is it, by
the way? Oh, that's great! She's always smiling. Have you seen her
back lawn? A little ratty looking now but she has wonderful visions
of it for the future. Could you spare a donation for it? Would you
like her to have some more camellias on the left? Could you spare a
donation? Your vision could become hers, no matter what it does to
the garden, the neighborhood, the state ... Could you spare a
donation? My, you've lost some weight! Could you spare ...
The Doctor's Garden
I know he told you to meet him in the driveway at 10:15
but he's running late. There's an emergency. A squirrel knocked
over a pot and has to be cleaned up (both the squirrel and the pot).
At 10:35 one of his gardeners comes out to the driveway
and calls your name. “Yes,” you answer. But then you're pulled
off the side and must fill out a questionnaire. “Why did you come
today?” “Have you been here before?” “Is anything bothering
you about the garden?” “Do you have insurance? (The stepping
stones can be slippery).” “Which company?” The gardener takes
the completed form and goes around the back of the house.
At 10:50 another gardener approaches and invites you
into the garden. But you have only 10 minutes. He says that that is
enough. Well, be sure to make an appointment to come back next year
and we'll do this all over again. Did the first gardener collect
your copay for seeing the grounds? No? That's OK, we'll bill you.
You'll hardly notice the processing fee.
The Teacher's Garden
Don't be late or you'll have to show her an excuse.
And who's signature is that? Is that your mother's handwriting?
Never mind.
Visitors must wear a badge.
Flowers are all laid out in neat rows, alphabetically.
One droops but the teacher's stick raises it up. Aggressively.
At the end of the Spring, plants are given grades:
“Spectacular” means primed for success, “Average” – good
for filling in the gaps, “Shows Promise” – must try harder next
year, “Failure” – needs to be given away to people she doesn't
like, and, the lowest grade, “Compost Pile”.
A true, real life fact: the latter is a grade I lusted
after when I was teaching but could never get the school board to
approve.
The Appalachian Garden
Ah, a garden with sculptures! Let's chain up the Pit
Bull then walk around. Over here's a Ford F150, up on blocks now but
someday it'll hit the road. That rust don't matter none. Sitting by
the front door is a cherry red Dodge Charger. There's some kind'a
bush crushed under it which was just in the way. Off on the left
side of the double-wide is a '65 Mercury. The vinyl roof is a little
ratty, but the moss growing on it sure looks nice. Ma loves
greenery. The ditch by the mailbox has daylilies and cattails,
lookin' might fine! The '55 Chevy next to them, with the multi-flora
rose coming up by the tail lights, might be gone one day. A guy in
town said he might be interested. Mighty interested. But, ya know,
the place wouldn't be the same without it...
The Late-Night Huckster's Garden
This is the greatest garden ever! Aren't you
tired of slogging through mud, tripping over stones and swatting
mosquitoes? Introducing “Plasti-Wonder”, the garden that beats
them all! No more muddy knees or sweat-stung eyes! Say goodbye to
those awful mosquito bites and their diseases! Your back will love
you for this!
Simply unroll the plastic strips and your garden will
pop up like a children's book. In full color! There's even places
for bunnies and squirrels to hide! Birds in the bushes! Deer in the
Dahlias! Elephants in the Euonymus!
You might pay as much as $300 for this garden in
stores, but now, for a limited time you can take advantage of this
special TV offer. Only $19.95 for this stunning duplicate of the
Brooklyn Botanical Garden!
But wait, there's more! If you order now we'll
send you the National Arboretum at no additional charge. That's two
full-sized, world class gardens for you to enjoy in the privacy of
your own back yard for one amazing price.
Call now, 1-555-BUY-GRDN, and have your credit card
ready to get these two gardens for one low price, plus shipping and
handling, delivery in only 4 to 66 weeks!
Operators are standing by now, and we won't
allow them to sit down until you call. So, call now before
this offer, and our operators, expire!
