Put
Down that Shovel and Step Away
Cruising the net, this post from the
Federal Department of Warnings caught my eye:
Don't Garden {GPO
2019-I-20- 314159}
Classified
xxNN
For
public release 2020-01-02
To maximize the
de-obfuscation of collateral work among siloed agencies, the
following has been deemed of value to stake-holders. Attempts have
been made, under directive Dept. of Agriculture 2003-01-19,
to maximize clarity. Internalize the following:
This department
has been flooded with injury reports since it opened its
investigation into the large number of gardeners who have died in the
last 200 years. Unfortunately, our computers weren't able to keep
track of the varieties of gardening injuries reported. The total
exceeded their capacity. As a result, we've terminated this study and
issued an alert.
I was too upset to
continue reading.
Is my garden a
menace?
Stepping stones
could be loose. Or slippery.
Holes could twist
your ankle, sneaking up and grabbing your foot when you're looking
elsewhere.
Dirt is a sea of
pathogens. Have you heard of flesh-eating bacteria? I once lost a
trowel. Trowel-eating bacteria? They aren't above suspicion.
Plants appear
uninvited. Smilax and Green Stick have thorns capable of sticking
through you to the nearest tree and letting you hang there, impaled.
Poison Ivy reminds
you of your close encounter with any part of the plant, even two
weeks after contact. The scratching is distracting. And … I …
can't … stop …
If a tree fell on
you, it wouldn't matter if it was poisonous.
There's even a tree
with horror-movie sized spines on both its trunk and large branches.
I guess if you needed to scratch your back after encountering the Poison Ivy …
 |
| A non-native tree which volunteered in my yard. |
What about the
animals?
Mice could carry
plague. White-footed mice live in the leaf litter and try to get
inside the house when the weather freezes. Similarly, voles, moles
and shrews.
Rabies naturally
infects mammals: squirrels, fox, raccoons, possum, and deer.
Don't let them bite! Just because I've never met anyone who has been
bitten by a deer doesn't mean the danger isn't lurking.
Would you believe
mosquitoes are less fun than a barrel of monkeys? And they can pass
on virus' such as Zika, West Nile, and other such nasties.
While cleaning out
some deadwood, home to a black widow spider, I wondered if thick
gloves are enough.
Snakes? Doesn't
everyone love snakes? Hmmm ...
The weather hangs
over us. Heat stroke, frostbite, lightning strikes, tornadoes.
Is that a complete
list?
Man-made dangers
include: pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, stepping on the business
end of a rake and getting a concussion when the handle nails you
(though we've all laughed when people in old movies hurt themselves
that way,) scratching ourselves on a rusty nail or frayed metal
screen, backing into … well, anything that we don't expect (note to
self – never back up).
Over the years, a
set of injuries has slowed me. And stopped me. Lower back pain was
deadly when it was time to dig holes and mix piles of dirt. The
garden had to be patient. I'd be back. Wrist pain prevented pulling
weeds and screening compost. A minor operation idled me for a couple
of months. One could argue that gardening caused or worsened all of
those.
But seriously,
folks (where have I heard that line?): pain isn't humorous. Having a
root in a muddy hole snap back and paint your face with wet, sticky
stuff? Now THAT'S funny!
Government warnings
are serious. Go back inside and collapse with a bag of Cheetos and
reruns. What could go wrong?
