Gardens You Might Miss On The Spring Tour
I'm aware
that my little shade garden is not the only environment you would want to
visit. Habitats have been designed for
sunny areas, droughts, deserts, all native plants or rain forests. I think I've seen all of those. Some I haven't seen you might want to inquire
about:
The Wrestler's Garden
A wrestler
would want to test his strength against a plant. Nasty vines would be pulled with
ferocity. Low branches would fight back
by slapping him in the face, almost putting out an eye. Rose thorns would punch through his gloves
but lose in the end with the branch on the compost pile. Turning that pile, if it was 5' high, would
be a major strain with loud roars accompanying each thrust and lift of the
garden fork (from the legs, not the back).
Bringing
home bags of soil and mulch, this aficionado would take out several at a time
from his pickup, drop them on his shoulders and jog to the back yard puffing
“hut-hut”. Each time he made the round
trip his wife, in a bikini, would hold up a sign with his total number of round
trips.
The Mortician's Garden
Plants would
be in somber, dark colors. Respectful,
not delightful. A few lilies would be
allowed. Tasteful, of course.
The name of
each plant would be clearly marked on a little tombstone nearby.
Going to the
work area in the back would require passing through a creaky, wrought iron
gate, then digging up the items from casket-like boxes.
The tool
shed would reek slightly of formaldehyde.
And we don't
want to know what's rotting in the compost pile.
The Gymnast's Garden
Vines are
old, heavy and hang low. How else would
you be able to swing from place to place?
Holes would
be dug by exploding upwards off a vault then sticking the landing.
Fertilizer
would be spread by putting a dollop on the hands and then clapping them
together, forming the traditional dust cloud which would settle over the beds.
The
neighbors would be sick of the constant, upbeat music accompanying the
gardener's bounding around the back yard.
And that idiotic
Russian judge would always be taking off points for dandelions.
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The Seamstress' Garden |
The Librarian's Garden
Your first
thought would be that the plants would be alphabetized, but you'd be forgetting
the Dewey Decimal system.
Your
questions should be in hushed tones.
If you want
to know where a plant is, check the computer catalog on the patio. But remember that other people are waiting to
use it, too.
Do you
really like a plant you find? You can
take it! But return it in 3 weeks.
The Klingon Garden
No pansies here. Tough love.
The barks are rough. Many of the
plants are treacherous. None should be
trusted. Those that seem soft and docile
have almost microscopic thorns to catch the unwary (such as on the fruit of
prickly pear cactus) or will smear on a rash that drives you crazy (poison
ivy).
Of course
it's not just the plants themselves. In
the crevices lurk Black Widow spiders.
Ticks hang off the ends of leaves waiting for you to pass. And that pit viper in the grass is looking
for a meal.
The color palette
will be largely a grayish monochrome.
Tulips are for wimps!
If the
gardener finishes the day without spilling blood then it would be an
embarrassment.
And you
can't read the plant labels. Or
pronounce them.
