Gardens You Might Miss On The Spring Tour

Gardens You Might Miss On The Spring Tour

            I'm aware that my little shade garden is not the only environment you would want to visit.  Habitats have been designed for sunny areas, droughts, deserts, all native plants or rain forests.  I think I've seen all of those.  Some I haven't seen you might want to inquire about:

The Wrestler's Garden

            A wrestler would want to test his strength against a plant.  Nasty vines would be pulled with ferocity.  Low branches would fight back by slapping him in the face, almost putting out an eye.  Rose thorns would punch through his gloves but lose in the end with the branch on the compost pile.  Turning that pile, if it was 5' high, would be a major strain with loud roars accompanying each thrust and lift of the garden fork (from the legs, not the back).

            Bringing home bags of soil and mulch, this aficionado would take out several at a time from his pickup, drop them on his shoulders and jog to the back yard puffing “hut-hut”.  Each time he made the round trip his wife, in a bikini, would hold up a sign with his total number of round trips.

The Mortician's Garden

            Plants would be in somber, dark colors.  Respectful, not delightful.  A few lilies would be allowed.  Tasteful, of course.

            The name of each plant would be clearly marked on a little tombstone nearby.

            Going to the work area in the back would require passing through a creaky, wrought iron gate, then digging up the items from casket-like boxes.

            The tool shed would reek slightly of formaldehyde.

            And we don't want to know what's rotting in the compost pile.

The Gymnast's Garden

            Vines are old, heavy and hang low.  How else would you be able to swing from place to place?

            Holes would be dug by exploding upwards off a vault then sticking the landing.

            Fertilizer would be spread by putting a dollop on the hands and then clapping them together, forming the traditional dust cloud which would settle over the beds.

            The neighbors would be sick of the constant, upbeat music accompanying the gardener's bounding around the back yard.

            And that idiotic Russian judge would always be taking off points for dandelions.

The Seamstress' Garden

The Librarian's Garden

            Your first thought would be that the plants would be alphabetized, but you'd be forgetting the Dewey Decimal system.

            Your questions should be in hushed tones.

            If you want to know where a plant is, check the computer catalog on the patio.  But remember that other people are waiting to use it, too.

            Do you really like a plant you find?  You can take it!  But return it in 3 weeks.

The Klingon Garden

            No pansies here.  Tough love.  The barks are rough.  Many of the plants are treacherous.  None should be trusted.  Those that seem soft and docile have almost microscopic thorns to catch the unwary (such as on the fruit of prickly pear cactus) or will smear on a rash that drives you crazy (poison ivy).

            Of course it's not just the plants themselves.  In the crevices lurk Black Widow spiders.  Ticks hang off the ends of leaves waiting for you to pass.  And that pit viper in the grass is looking for a meal.

            The color palette will be largely a grayish monochrome.  Tulips are for wimps!

            If the gardener finishes the day without spilling blood then it would be an embarrassment.

            And you can't read the plant labels.  Or pronounce them.