Gardens You Might Miss on the Spring Tour - II

Gardens You Might Miss on the Spring Tour – II

While we enjoy visiting the gardens of friends, and may go on organized tours, you must realize that you are missing out on the wonders that that approach may skip. Continuing your education on the surprising varieties of design, we start Part II with:

The Politician's Garden

An Open House! Come and enjoy the chicken and hot dogs on the grill. Beer and soft drinks in the coolers! And flowers all around. She even remembers your name. And your children's names. And the fact that you put in a hosta bed last year. How is it, by the way? Oh, that's great! She's always smiling. Have you seen her back lawn? A little ratty looking now but she has wonderful visions of it for the future. Could you spare a donation for it? Would you like her to have some more camellias on the left? Could you spare a donation? Your vision could become hers, no matter what it does to the garden, the neighborhood, the state ... Could you spare a donation? My, you've lost some weight! Could you spare ...

The Doctor's Garden

I know he told you to meet him in the driveway at 10:15 but he's running late. There's an emergency. A squirrel knocked over a pot and has to be cleaned up (both the squirrel and the pot).

At 10:35 one of his gardeners comes out to the driveway and calls your name. “Yes,” you answer. But then you're pulled off the side and must fill out a questionnaire. “Why did you come today?” “Have you been here before?” “Is anything bothering you about the garden?” “Do you have insurance? (The stepping stones can be slippery).” “Which company?” The gardener takes the completed form and goes around the back of the house.

At 10:50 another gardener approaches and invites you into the garden. But you have only 10 minutes. He says that that is enough. Well, be sure to make an appointment to come back next year and we'll do this all over again. Did the first gardener collect your copay for seeing the grounds? No? That's OK, we'll bill you. You'll hardly notice the processing fee.

The Teacher's Garden

Don't be late or you'll have to show her an excuse. And who's signature is that? Is that your mother's handwriting? Never mind.

Visitors must wear a badge.

Flowers are all laid out in neat rows, alphabetically. One droops but the teacher's stick raises it up. Aggressively.

At the end of the Spring, plants are given grades: “Spectacular” means primed for success, “Average” – good for filling in the gaps, “Shows Promise” – must try harder next year, “Failure” – needs to be given away to people she doesn't like, and, the lowest grade, “Compost Pile”.

A true, real life fact: the latter is a grade I lusted after when I was teaching but could never get the school board to approve.

The Appalachian Garden

Ah, a garden with sculptures! Let's chain up the Pit Bull then walk around. Over here's a Ford F150, up on blocks now but someday it'll hit the road. That rust don't matter none. Sitting by the front door is a cherry red Dodge Charger. There's some kind'a bush crushed under it which was just in the way. Off on the left side of the double-wide is a '65 Mercury. The vinyl roof is a little ratty, but the moss growing on it sure looks nice. Ma loves greenery. The ditch by the mailbox has daylilies and cattails, lookin' might fine! The '55 Chevy next to them, with the multi-flora rose coming up by the tail lights, might be gone one day. A guy in town said he might be interested. Mighty interested. But, ya know, the place wouldn't be the same without it...

The Late-Night Huckster's Garden

This is the greatest garden ever! Aren't you tired of slogging through mud, tripping over stones and swatting mosquitoes? Introducing “Plasti-Wonder”, the garden that beats them all! No more muddy knees or sweat-stung eyes! Say goodbye to those awful mosquito bites and their diseases! Your back will love you for this!

Simply unroll the plastic strips and your garden will pop up like a children's book. In full color! There's even places for bunnies and squirrels to hide! Birds in the bushes! Deer in the Dahlias! Elephants in the Euonymus!

You might pay as much as $300 for this garden in stores, but now, for a limited time you can take advantage of this special TV offer. Only $19.95 for this stunning duplicate of the Brooklyn Botanical Garden!

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